Craft Business

My Journey to change

 My Journey to change

End of 2014

2014 became the end of fear and a new beginning towards change – again all sounds so dramatic and so forth, but to be fair it was not really – but it was the wake up moment – the Aha moment that I heard and listened to this time.

A friend contacted me and offered me some work within a local school – and I found my feet and some self respect and focus – my confidence and self esteem in such a short period of time improved and by christmas 2014 I realised that I did not want to go back to any of the feelings, negativity and behaviours that I had been through and been experiencing in 2014.

I have not mentioned even the business with you – both were ok but unfocused and lacked clarity – WHY? because I did. I was and had been operating in panic mode – consistently throughout the year – fear of change, and in total denial that anything needed to change ūüôĀ not a happy place to be in at all.

To the outside world all was grand, nothing wrong and all ok – yet my weight was ballooning, I was struggling with debt and money and trying to cope being a menopausal hormonal woman as well – it was like my body was attacking me constantly and had become my enemy…….. the warrior and superwoman models of behaviour back in play then!!!

we-cant-be-afraid-of-change-c-joybell-c-in-trust-your-journey-on-fb

And so began 2015 – Change! New Beginnings

In this blog I will only deal with the start of 2015 as I actually feel this is like a living blog series of posts and I do  not want to swamp anyone in what all went on or even get so deep that it becomes a bit boring either.

Some parts of the year will be faster than others and some can be skipped lol ……. I am not going to bore you with – woke up, had breakfast – what I ate was etc – omg nothing like that – but it will be about a very simple journey of awakening that happened for me and how it is and has impacted on me personally and in turn then within my business, plus how I coped.

Menopause – added ingredient to the mix

My journey to change can not ignore this lovely little added ingredient into the mix.

I just can not go any further without raising this in regards to me and my coping strategies around it all and of course its impact on me Рpersonally and my business.  Omg it has floored me at times.  I started it all around 44 years of age possibly even sooner Рand it was not just the hot flushes for me it was major hormonal upheaval and irratic behaviour Рso after fighting it for quite a while РI pushed to be on HRT and stayed on them for around 2 years Рbut as you know everything has risks РI have a range of health issues and one of which is `sticky blood` so being on HRT really became an non option avenue Рso came off them.  Which is good but needed a replacement Рso researched and found Starflower and Menopal Plus from Simply Supplements and a slight change to diet Рbut thats also in the year of change blog lol.coming or going - menopause

But being a woman in the change – trying to make changes and deal and cope with changes – no one said it would be easy but dear god……………. please it just becomes another layer of complicated. ¬†Plus no one told me your brain goes to mush, your memory gets fucked or that you feel so irratated with everyone so often. ¬† But it was the memory lose and sometimes confusion that upset me and put fear of dementia into my head – that was what I struggled with more than hot flushes and sweats – have a room full of 45 + year olds in any room and you just have to make sure no heating on and plenty of water available and of course near the toilets – forgot bladder weakness comes next as well – holy shit I felt I needed traded in ………………..cartoon on computer

January 2015 – now Change

Ok so I did not wake up suddenly 1st January 2015 and go – thats it – change. I did wake up and go – ok what do I need to change and how the fuck am I going to do this……… oh shit – and then the internal dialogue of – ok Sharon, get a grip first things first what needs sorted first. ¬†Money – what you have, what you don`t have, what you owe, what you paying out, getting in and getting comfortable with making sure you know it inside and out – where you are Right Now?

So thats what I did – not right on New Years Day but the very next day…. 2nd January – I got out everything – bills, credit cards, bank statements and started really taking back charge of what I needed to know about where we were right now – personally and also as a business. ¬†And it was not that pretty to be honest – not major bad but enough for us and if we continued in same vein – it would not end well.

With the week I had registered online with bank – I know why had it taken me so long – no answer other than did it and got it set up and then I looked again – and I got hubby to look and we sat down and just went – RIGHT (BIG SHOUTY WORDING) …… lets get a grip. ¬†When we budgeted previously it worked for us – but we had gone of the rails (no idea what really did it as christmas was not an expensive spend but we had majorly gone off the boil). ¬†We had to get back on track and right now.

And we did Рat the same time as getting a grip of our money, cancelling direct debits no idea what for Рex rugby club hubby had stopped playing at 14 years ago ? I know only £2 a month but 14 years of £2 a month adds up Рthen magazines and others shite that really I did not need, we did not need Рnow down to bare minimum as bills going out only and essential bills only.

But I also joined an online FB challenge РMoney : A Love Story Challenge by Kate Northrup

https://www.facebook.com/groups/MoneyALoveStory

This started my journey into 2015 making changes РI know some might find it a bit hocus pocus as its Fengi Shui orientated but for me it made sense Рit started me doing and thinking and actioning Рand thus the change began.  For the 21 days I engaged in the Fb group and got so much from it all РI would recommend anyone seeking out challenges like this Рit asks you to take responsibility and then to take action Рand that is just what I started to do.

Action – is it painless ?

No its not Рits not easy Рwe, me РI had to face the reality that I needed to take back the control Рtake on the responsibility of our money, my money and begin to love it all again and not allow it to control me.  The fact that its taken me 10 months to even be blogging about this all РI think sort of says how deep rooted my fear of change and talking about it has been.

At 49 years of age Рnearly 50 lol Рto actually admit that this is all not perfect and running smoothly and that I have taken so long to get my head right (and still doing so) and all the other stuff as well Рis really hard, in fact its taken me all of 10 months to be able to put it on here РI thought I was the worst mum, wife, partner, business woman, woman let along person Рbasically I was a failure Рafter all how fucking hard can it be Рbeing organised, being in the right mindset, not getting distracted, not getting into negative behaviours and attitudes, get slim, get fit, be successful, make money  Рaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh.

And that was the crucial piece РI felt a failure РI felt I was not as successful as I wanted to be and to be honest at times I was not sure I actually wanted to do what I needed to do to turn it around Рtherefore by definition I was lazy and therefore a failure and therefore did not deserve to be successful.  Vicious cycle and it just went round and round and round Рand it was this i had to stop.

But the journey began – change begun and it has grown – its still not right, but good enough, right enough to make changes and progression.

 

2015 has been a battle with Money Рloving it, growing it, managing it, saving it, spending it, cherishing it Рbut I am in control of it more and more.  It no longer controls me Рas I get towards end of the year and look forward to 2016 РI believe I value it more and embrace it better than I have ever done before. I recommend her book and doing the challenges Рif nothing else worth a go to get some sense of what you need to do to progress forward.  Seriously it so makes sense and something many many many will not be covering in Business coaching or other areas of support.

Money-A-Love-Story

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://Money, a Love Story: Untangle Your Financial Woes And Create The Life You Really Want

 

I am still in midst of the declutter !!! seriously its an ongoing area of work with me – but one I am more insightful on – I recognise the triggers for spend and I am now looking at it all as – do I really need it, will I use it, what could I use that money for if did not spend it on x – is this an investment or a drain, is it an asset or not – and if all of the answers are not positive then its not considered.

The other thing I began to get a grip of…….

Organisation – change

Being organised is key for me Рand having become so dis-organised had lead to overwhelm and all of the above for so long Рso doing the Money : A Love Story Challenge started the process off and made me realise just how out of whack I really was.  This floored me as I felt when I worked in the Public sector for my 20+ year career I was Mrs Organised, so OCD and quite anal to be truthful on where things went and keeping things organised Рso this chaos and dis-organisation is where my overwhelm and lack of everything came from along with mindset of course too.

So the journey of change had begun and I was beginning to get a grip – and I was going to focus the whole of 2015 to do it – what I did not realise was that taking this year might only be the start……………… the focus I did not realise totally in January, February or even March of 2015 was that the change was about me and me alone.

Money a Love Story ;¬†”¬†So what does self-care have to do with money? Everything. Remember, you’re trying to change your thoughts about you – to open your eyes to your worth. …………………. Self care is about loving yourself. ¬†If you can`t learn to put energy toward your own care and feeding, who else will? ¬†……………………………………………..Money is about what we value. ¬†We pay for what we value. ¬†We pay attention to what we value. ¬†This is an issue of valuing yourself.”

 

And that was it Рthis year has been about money, organisation, family, business, mindset, getting fit, getting healthy all on one level  Р but its really been  about love and value Рme learning to love and value me again and its not all been plain sailing.

what you think important

 

And so the journey of 2015 continues for this 49 year old menopausal woman in business ūüôā ………

I hope you continue to follow me on my blogs right up to the present day across my year.  You will always be welcomed.

Thank you x Sharon ūüôā

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stress – How it can Kill You if You Let it.

Stress – How it can Kill You if You let it.

Part 1 of my journey of change – the voice of my heart.

Past career – past stresses

I walked away from a job in 2011 after 20 years that was over the last 5 years of it killing me – all because of stress – I failed to recognise the signs and symptoms and also thought I was invincible and super woman.
In early October 2010 I just about made it home – I know I drove home stupid I know I know – and within 15 minutes went into a sudden cardiac attack – ie my heart went into melt down – and I was having a huge arrhythmia attack.

Most sudden cardiac deaths are caused by abnormal heart rhythms called arrhythmias. The most common life-threatening arrhythmia is ventricular fibrillation, which is an erratic, disorganized firing of impulses from the ventricles (the heart’s lower chambers). When this occurs, the heart is unable to pump blood and death will occur within minutes, if left untreated.

All this from stress – I was taken into hospital where I was given medication that stopped my heart and restarted it again to attempt to get the arrhythmia back on track and slow down – as the next stage was full cardiac arrest – (sounds very dramatic and scary – it was I have never consciously held onto a nurse and consultants hands so much in my life and just begged them to help me) – 3 days later I left hospital and told that I was in need of some serious help – but I what I got was some serious help from the best Heart Hospital and consultant in Europe at Broadgreen.

I went in on 29th April 2011 and my operation was 88% successful – apparently they had fun playing space invaders in my heart – Left ventricular de-fibrillation is what Mr Mark Hall did – thank god I was asleep – but next time I apparently need to stay awake eeek – hence why putting off for as long as I can.

I know for me its taken me a few years to actually really try to address and stop the stress impact and its consequences on me – I get stressed easily, I tended to over personalise things – if it went wrong it was because I was at fault, I was the problem, I am to blame – I continued to batter myself on leaving work, worry about money, worry about kids, worry about me – hit menopause lost the plot – flitted all over the place trying to find what I wanted to do – lost a heap of money, friends, because of some of the issues thought I was losing my sanity and my marriage and thought I had lost me. I thought life what shit to be honest.

The year from hell – ok I just lost my way!

2014 turned out to be the best and the worst year – you would have thought 2011 was – but nope – I am a slow burner – and I burnt and smouldered and hurt myself until November 2014 and I woke up from a bit of a fog – fuck me did I wake up (apologies for swearing if offended but I actually do swear).
I looked around me and made a choice to change – (thought I had as had read and listened to all the self help, spiritual stuff and people, books and videos ) but it all just kept nothing at bay and the shite kept coming – and then I looked at me, really looked at me and decided I needed to just stop.
So I did – and then good things started happening – not huge things or at fast paces but small little things – and things begun to change.

As you can see from the video Рits all about learning to manage your stress and recognising what the causes are and how to combat them Рdon`t do what I did for so long Рignore, fight and under estimate what stress can do Рboth to you and those you love around you РI was a martyr and a warrior but realised the only one I was hurting was those I loved around me and me Рthe total opposite to what I wanted or thought I was doing .  Stupid yes absolutely.

Never under estimate your past – learn from it and move on

In 1995 and in 1996 I nearly died from Eclampsia Рmy daughters where both still born but I was lucky I was alive, on both occasions they fought to save my life and thank goodness they did Рsadly the longer term impact both emotionally and mentally were much more long lasting than the physical impact.  But on both occasions I went into cardiac arrest Рpossibly this was the first real signs I had a heart problem Рwho knows but I had in 2010 been given a 3rd chance to get it right and for so so long I had Рlike so many other women Рjust got on with life.  Took it all in my stride, worked harder, did not give up (fought hard to have kids born alive and well and me well) and just kept up the warrior mode and of course being super woman РI did it all.

I fought for everyone – Trade Union secretary, spokesperson at conferences, extra work, degrees and qualifications, work work work, lived hard and played hard – and did not realise just how miserable I was making myself – the mask was on and the sword was in hand.

Then my world (created and designed by me) fell apart, I had taken the voluntary redundancy and my grieving for a career, job and identity began and continued – of course it did, this was me living in chronic stress mode again – cycle of learnt behaviour for me and a coping strategy I only knew.

Post attack but in denial

From 21012 Р2014 I was in denial and fear Рadding more and more un-necessary stress to a world I did not need Рand while it was better than when in a full time job and career prior to October 2010 it was really just a smaller version of what had been happening then.  I got into negative thought patterns, negative behaviour patterns and it was like the self destruct button was under my finger and regularly just being tested to see how far I would take me or my family to the edge of pressing.

By grief was so deep rooted and that I felt my whole identity was so wrapped up in my work and career, I thought it was me – so losing all that was like grieving for a part of me that had died and maybe I was taking myself there unconsciously.

Decision to change – I woke up from a fug

Then as I said I made a decision to change РI knew I was losing my sanity as it was insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over again and expect different results.  Was there an aha moment Рsadly I had had a few, but choose to ignore them in 2012, 2013 but the one in 2014 was driving in the car from a part time job taken and just pulled over side of road and sobbed РI hated it.  What did I want ? What was I going to do ? How was I going to make those changes? I was at a loss Рbut for the first time I woke up from a fug Рa fog so deep set that I had just been living and not really doing anything more РI knew then that I wanted more but most of all I deserved more, my kids and hubby deserved more and they deserved the happy fun me the real me Рthe me they loved Рbut the I needed to get back to loving me and me then being able to really love them all back Рlove the world back Рbe me.  So I drove home, sat hubby down Рkids got into it all too lol Рand they just told me to stop hurting myself and start doing what I loved.

Literally the next day Рa friend from past asked me to do some work with her in local school and so it all began to change.  I began to really see what changes I could make, what choices I have and what chances I have been given.

3 cs in life

I started 2015 as I promised I would start it – making changes – positive changes.
I started with money , my love life/ marriage, my family, my business, my friends and through out them all myself. The most important one I often sadly forgot about or used to abuse.

 

 

 

 

Its Emotional – but good

Its been  an emotional year so far Рnot all has gone smoothly but slowly but surely things are improving Рand I know I am at the end of the year ie now also changing other negative behaviours re food and relationship to food and weight Рwhich has just been thrown in there as well lol.

But most of all I am finding what makes me smile, laugh and enjoy life again – hormones don`t help but hey thats the joys of aging and being female …… and I cry alot – just getting it all out, trying to stop being that warrior woman getting angry annoyed, frustrated and so forth – adverts get me going, doesn`t have to take much – but its a source of huge fun in the house – who can get mum sobbing over daft things lol. ¬†But its ok –

I have been able to look more and more in the mirror over this year and put the pieces of me back together again Рsome good people have helped, some via business who are now good good close friends and others via knitting who are now getting more and more close as friends.  Others I have let go and thats ok Рmy circle of friends is rather small but my networking of colleagues is rather large.

Hubby and me – getting on better, marriage sorted – we still have a few pings in the ring now and again – I am an aries and he is libra – says it all – me quick to react him slow burner – but we are 25 years married and 27 years together so I think holding our own.

Kids – I am blessed – nothing more needs said.

Business & BizMums Networking

Business – well thats on the improvement side – the Knitting Fairy has come out and proud, freelancing working away and its all just moving from strength to strength – even got into the finals of BizMums Awards – Creative Business 2015 – so not all bad then

Finalist badge

 

 

So can stress kill you?  Yes it bloody well can so why are you allowing it to.

Chronic stress over long long periods of time is a silent killer and often many cardiac deaths are caused by it all – please please do not allow this time little word get so much play time in your life and have the huge impact that it will do to you and those you love around you.

Take action now – do not live with regrets – I know I am not any longer allowing chronic stress to have a heart hold on me or my families lives – I want to be around for a rather long time, to spend time with my kids, see them into adult hood, their own families and be a grandparent. I want to spend time with my grumpy ole fella who I adore and want a retirement where we can be there for one another into old age.

Business wise – I no longer want to the have any regrets and my vision of big is now what I am talking about and wanting to put our there.

So don`t let stress kill you – don`t let chronic stress get a grip.