My Journey to change

End of 2014

2014 became the end of fear and a new beginning towards change – again all sounds so dramatic and so forth, but to be fair it was not really – but it was the wake up moment – the Aha moment that I heard and listened to this time.

A friend contacted me and offered me some work within a local school – and I found my feet and some self respect and focus – my confidence and self esteem in such a short period of time improved and by christmas 2014 I realised that I did not want to go back to any of the feelings, negativity and behaviours that I had been through and been experiencing in 2014.

I have not mentioned even the business with you – both were ok but unfocused and lacked clarity – WHY? because I did. I was and had been operating in panic mode – consistently throughout the year – fear of change, and in total denial that anything needed to change 🙁 not a happy place to be in at all.

To the outside world all was grand, nothing wrong and all ok – yet my weight was ballooning, I was struggling with debt and money and trying to cope being a menopausal hormonal woman as well – it was like my body was attacking me constantly and had become my enemy…….. the warrior and superwoman models of behaviour back in play then!!!

And so began 2015 – Change! New Beginnings

In this blog I will only deal with the start of 2015 as I actually feel this is like a living blog series of posts and I do  not want to swamp anyone in what all went on or even get so deep that it becomes a bit boring either.

Some parts of the year will be faster than others and some can be skipped lol ……. I am not going to bore you with – woke up, had breakfast – what I ate was etc – omg nothing like that – but it will be about a very simple journey of awakening that happened for me and how it is and has impacted on me personally and in turn then within my business, plus how I coped.

Menopause – added ingredient to the mix

My journey to change can not ignore this lovely little added ingredient into the mix.

I just can not go any further without raising this in regards to me and my coping strategies around it all and of course its impact on me – personally and my business.  Omg it has floored me at times.  I started it all around 44 years of age possibly even sooner – and it was not just the hot flushes for me it was major hormonal upheaval and irratic behaviour – so after fighting it for quite a while – I pushed to be on HRT and stayed on them for around 2 years – but as you know everything has risks – I have a range of health issues and one of which is `sticky blood` so being on HRT really became an non option avenue – so came off them.  Which is good but needed a replacement – so researched and found Starflower and Menopal Plus from Simply Supplements and a slight change to diet – but thats also in the year of change blog lol.

But being a woman in the change – trying to make changes and deal and cope with changes – no one said it would be easy but dear god……………. please it just becomes another layer of complicated.  Plus no one told me your brain goes to mush, your memory gets fucked or that you feel so irratated with everyone so often.   But it was the memory lose and sometimes confusion that upset me and put fear of dementia into my head – that was what I struggled with more than hot flushes and sweats – have a room full of 45 + year olds in any room and you just have to make sure no heating on and plenty of water available and of course near the toilets – forgot bladder weakness comes next as well – holy shit I felt I needed traded in ………………..

January 2015 – now Change

Ok so I did not wake up suddenly 1st January 2015 and go – thats it – change. I did wake up and go – ok what do I need to change and how the fuck am I going to do this……… oh shit – and then the internal dialogue of – ok Sharon, get a grip first things first what needs sorted first.  Money – what you have, what you don`t have, what you owe, what you paying out, getting in and getting comfortable with making sure you know it inside and out – where you are Right Now?

So thats what I did – not right on New Years Day but the very next day…. 2nd January – I got out everything – bills, credit cards, bank statements and started really taking back charge of what I needed to know about where we were right now – personally and also as a business.  And it was not that pretty to be honest – not major bad but enough for us and if we continued in same vein – it would not end well.

With the week I had registered online with bank – I know why had it taken me so long – no answer other than did it and got it set up and then I looked again – and I got hubby to look and we sat down and just went – RIGHT (BIG SHOUTY WORDING) …… lets get a grip.  When we budgeted previously it worked for us – but we had gone of the rails (no idea what really did it as christmas was not an expensive spend but we had majorly gone off the boil).  We had to get back on track and right now.

And we did – at the same time as getting a grip of our money, cancelling direct debits no idea what for – ex rugby club hubby had stopped playing at 14 years ago ? I know only £2 a month but 14 years of £2 a month adds up – then magazines and others shite that really I did not need, we did not need – now down to bare minimum as bills going out only and essential bills only.

But I also joined an online FB challenge – Money : A Love Story Challenge by Kate Northrup

https://www.facebook.com/groups/MoneyALoveStory

This started my journey into 2015 making changes – I know some might find it a bit hocus pocus as its Fengi Shui orientated but for me it made sense – it started me doing and thinking and actioning – and thus the change began.  For the 21 days I engaged in the Fb group and got so much from it all – I would recommend anyone seeking out challenges like this – it asks you to take responsibility and then to take action – and that is just what I started to do.

Action – is it painless ?

No its not – its not easy – we, me – I had to face the reality that I needed to take back the control – take on the responsibility of our money, my money and begin to love it all again and not allow it to control me.  The fact that its taken me 10 months to even be blogging about this all – I think sort of says how deep rooted my fear of change and talking about it has been.

At 49 years of age – nearly 50 lol – to actually admit that this is all not perfect and running smoothly and that I have taken so long to get my head right (and still doing so) and all the other stuff as well – is really hard, in fact its taken me all of 10 months to be able to put it on here – I thought I was the worst mum, wife, partner, business woman, woman let along person – basically I was a failure – after all how fucking hard can it be – being organised, being in the right mindset, not getting distracted, not getting into negative behaviours and attitudes, get slim, get fit, be successful, make money  – aaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhhhh.

And that was the crucial piece – I felt a failure – I felt I was not as successful as I wanted to be and to be honest at times I was not sure I actually wanted to do what I needed to do to turn it around – therefore by definition I was lazy and therefore a failure and therefore did not deserve to be successful.  Vicious cycle and it just went round and round and round – and it was this i had to stop.

But the journey began – change begun and it has grown – its still not right, but good enough, right enough to make changes and progression.

 

2015 has been a battle with Money – loving it, growing it, managing it, saving it, spending it, cherishing it – but I am in control of it more and more.  It no longer controls me – as I get towards end of the year and look forward to 2016 – I believe I value it more and embrace it better than I have ever done before. I recommend her book and doing the challenges – if nothing else worth a go to get some sense of what you need to do to progress forward.  Seriously it so makes sense and something many many many will not be covering in Business coaching or other areas of support.

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://Money, a Love Story: Untangle Your Financial Woes And Create The Life You Really Want

 

I am still in midst of the declutter !!! seriously its an ongoing area of work with me – but one I am more insightful on – I recognise the triggers for spend and I am now looking at it all as – do I really need it, will I use it, what could I use that money for if did not spend it on x – is this an investment or a drain, is it an asset or not – and if all of the answers are not positive then its not considered.

The other thing I began to get a grip of…….

Organisation – change

Being organised is key for me – and having become so dis-organised had lead to overwhelm and all of the above for so long – so doing the Money : A Love Story Challenge started the process off and made me realise just how out of whack I really was.  This floored me as I felt when I worked in the Public sector for my 20+ year career I was Mrs Organised, so OCD and quite anal to be truthful on where things went and keeping things organised – so this chaos and dis-organisation is where my overwhelm and lack of everything came from along with mindset of course too.

So the journey of change had begun and I was beginning to get a grip – and I was going to focus the whole of 2015 to do it – what I did not realise was that taking this year might only be the start……………… the focus I did not realise totally in January, February or even March of 2015 was that the change was about me and me alone.

Money a Love Story ; ” So what does self-care have to do with money? Everything. Remember, you’re trying to change your thoughts about you – to open your eyes to your worth. …………………. Self care is about loving yourself.  If you can`t learn to put energy toward your own care and feeding, who else will?  ……………………………………………..Money is about what we value.  We pay for what we value.  We pay attention to what we value.  This is an issue of valuing yourself.”

 

And that was it – this year has been about money, organisation, family, business, mindset, getting fit, getting healthy all on one level  –  but its really been  about love and value – me learning to love and value me again and its not all been plain sailing.

 

And so the journey of 2015 continues for this 49 year old menopausal woman in business 🙂 ………

I hope you continue to follow me on my blogs right up to the present day across my year.  You will always be welcomed.

Thank you x Sharon 🙂